Monty Python Character back stories
by MontyCobra
Summary: This is my guess about the past of all characters in the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" in a humorous way.
1. Chapter 1

Monty Python and the Holy Gail

Character Back Stories

**CHAPTER 1-THE FRENCH TAUNTER part.1**

I, the french taunter, woke up at 7:02 A.M. and rose to start the days training in "THE FRENCH SCHOOL FOR TAUNTERS" when i got up i immediately saw the plaque with the schools moddo on it it read:

"_Remember, all people who aren't french are trash."_

I put on my armor and headed outside. I stood outside with the rest of my glorious

non-English fellow french taunters as we waited for the drill sergeant. Out of the corner of our eyes we could see him he stood tall and was 100% not english truly the perfect person.

"LISTEN YOU SMALL INSECTS! TODAY WE WILL WORK ON YOUR OUTRAGEOUS SILLY ACCENTS ONE OF THE KEY INGREDIENTS IN A GOOD TAUNTING" the drill sergeant said in his silly way over done outrageous accent

"But, sir" I said "We already have outrageous accents."

he stared at me then said "YOUR ACCENT COULD PASS AS BRITISH YOU ENGLISH PIG TROUGH WATER I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, IN FACT YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDER BERRIES!".

Everyone including me gasped at him calling me english which for a french man was the ultimate insult, for the rest of my life I would never be able to forget those words

"NOW THEN!" continued the drill sergeant " EVERYONE GRAB A FRENCH PRACTICE DUMMY AND TAUNT THEM USING THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT YOU CAN!"

we all grabbed our practice dummies put them on their stands and proceeded to taunt them.

After 2 straight hours of relentless and harsh taunting, the drill sergeant yelled "NOW THEN WE SHALL PROCEED TO DO A NEW TRAINING EXERCISE, EVERYONE FACE THE PERSON ON YOUR LEFT!"

everyone turned left

"OK" continued the drill sergeant " NOW HALF OF YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY!

everyone turned right

"NO! ONLY HALF OF YOU TURN RIGHT! NOW HALF OF YOU TURN LEFT!"

everyone turned left "NO! HALF OF YOU STAND STILL AND HALF OF YOU TURN THE OTHER DIRECTION! GOT IT!

all of us nodded.

"OK NOW" he yelled "HALF OF YOU TURN RIGHT AND HALF OF YOU HOLD STILL".

"RIGHT!" we all yelled as we all turned right

"NO!" he yelled

"What did we this time?" i asked

"I know what happened!" said a background character who will never be in this story or any other story ever again "We turned the wrong direction!"

I replied "OF COURSE! how foolish we've been! everyone turn the other direction!"

"NO!" said the drill sergeant as we all turned the other direction

"No?" I said "Then what did we do wrong?"

all of us started thinking hard about what we where supposed to do

"LISTEN!" said the drill sergeant "HALF OF YOU FACE LEFT AND HALF OF YOU FACE RIGHT!"

"No I already thought of that, it wouldn't work" said another random solder

"What if" I said "we are supposed to turn and face backwards while standing on our heads!"

the other taunters looked at each other and thought if it would work

"Well" said a third random solder "it's dangerous, but it should work"

"I say we try!" said a forth random solder

"ok then" I said "lets do this, in case we don't survive I just want to say it's been an honor serving with you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAA!" we all screamed as we turned around facing backwards and bent over to stand on our heads.

as we where standing on our heads the drill sergeant suffered a fatal heart attack due to anger and, went to a special place in heaven for people who suffered heart attacks where he brutally taunted the animator of "the black beat of _aaaaaaaahhhhh"_

"How are we doing sir? said a solder named Mike "Sir?"

"I think he's dead." I said

"Then how do we know when to stop?" said a solder named Wook-Wook

"Well" said another random solder "I guess if he's dead we don't need to do this."

"Attention solders!" said the head administer of the school as he walked toward us "I found the drill sergeant's birth certificate!"

"So what?" said a solder named Wook-Wook

"HE'S ENGLISH!" said the head administer of the school

all of us gasped, then we gasped again in fact we kept gasping until 16 of us had died of over gasping

"We must do to his corps what we do to all none french men!" I shouted

"You mean..." said a solder named Wook-Wook

"Yes.." I said "_**SPIT ON HIM!" **_

we all proceeded to spit vigorously at the corpse in fact we spat so much that all of the solders died of over spitting except myself,Mike, and Wook-Wook

"I think thats enough fellow french taunters." said Mike

"Yes" said the head administrator "And for your committed spitting I will now give you your degrees in tauntology."

"Thank you you glorious 100% pure french leader!" I said

"It's what you get when a family practices incest on a regular basis!" said the administer of the school

That day was the last time I saw that school again but, I didn't care I had bigger things to think about.


	2. Chapter 2

Monty Python and the Holy Grail Character Back stories

**CHAPTER 2- THE LEADER OF THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI PART-1**

The story you are about to read is one from my childhood, yes my childhood was a very hard one I also remember that it

**AAAAA I SAID IT! AAAAA THERE IT IS AGAIN! NOO IT KEEPS SHOWING UP!**

ok,ok calm down, where was I? Ah yes my childhood I remember that day like it..AAA! I need to focus more on what i'm saying, I remember that day like... I remember that day well!

CUE THE FLASH BACK!

"MUM! I'M GOING TO SCHOOL NOW!" I shouted.

"SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE HOLE YOU STUPID BADGER!" my mom yelled as she threw a screaming cat at me

The cat then proceeded to claw,maul,and completely make my face red with my own blood.

"Ok mother thank you for giving me breakfast!" I spake as I ripped off one of the legs from the cat and ate it as if it were chicken.

The trip to school was one that most often took about 2 steps considering I lived right next to the place.

"Hey look!" shouted the now obvious bad guy in this story "It is the child of whom we beat up upon every day!"

After that all the children ran to me and used their crossbows and swords ,given to them by the king incase a french man tried to taunt them, to beat me up and rub salt in the wounds caused by the now three legged cat

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!" I shouted.

"BECAUSE WE ARE OBVIOUSLY PHYCOLOGIACLY DESTRESSED AND WE TAKE IT OUT ON OTHERS!" yelled one of the children.

"No don't do this!" I yelled "EEEEEEE!" I screamed because have you ever put salt in a wound it hurts!

"No!" I yelled from the swords hitting me "EEEEEE!" I yelled from the salt' but then came an event that would change the planet earth forever a sword and salt hit me at the exact same time then I yelled "NIIIII!" the face of the nearest child turned into a herring

All the children stopped and stood back in awe and shock, or as I say shawe, all children bowed and said "What do you want from us master?"

I pondered for a moment, this moment would also change my life forever, I said..

"I DEMAND... A...GROUP OF SLAVES!"

HA YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY A SHRUBBERY! I FOOLED YOU! HA YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE! Oh, that was good! Ok,ok back to the story.

"Yes great knower of the word Ni." they all said in unison "We shall do as thy command knower of the word Ni.".

Finally my life was good, you know until _the accident._ But thats a story for another time.

That day when I went home my mom yelled "GOOD NEWS!".

"What?" I replied.

"From this day forward I will treat you very well!" said my mother.

"Hooray! This is the best day ever!" I cheered.

"Yes i'm going to make tomorrow the bast day ev-AAA!" she yelled as a small white rabbit tore her neck open.

"NOOO!" I screamed I knew what I had to do "TIME TO DIE RABIT! NIIIIIIIII!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

The rabbit uttered a small high pitched scream then pounced on my face, ripping off huge amounts of skin and flesh.

But, out of the corner of my eye I see something, something wonderful, A...**SHRUBBERY!**

I reach for it and smack the rabbit in the face with it "YES DIE! DIEEEE!" I yelled while smack the rabbit in the face.

"Time to finish you off!" I held the shrubbery in front of my face and yelled "NIIIIIIIII!"

the force from the blast blew the rabbit far away, I herd that he landed in a cave but i'm not sure.

I quickly ran to my dieing mother and picked up her now severed head "mom." I said "are you ok?"

"yes, I'll just walk it off. MY BLOODY HEAD IS OFF WHAT DO YOU THINK!" my mom yelled

"son' I must tell you something." I mom said as she was dieing

"yes mom?" I inquired

"beware the black beast of _aaaaaaa." _my mom said when she was dead

Well thats part of my story stay tuned for possibly more of my story.


	3. Chapter 3

Monty python character back story 3

the killer bunny part- 1

I am about to tell you a part from one of the lost books of the bible called "the bloopers"

it is about small errors god made. But I will tell it in a strange fashion more specifically the third person

Don't ask why.

"HEY GOD!" shouted satan "i got a bet"

"I'm not sure satan last time we had a bet it made the book of job." replied god

"Oh I guess your just a dumb english man and not a pure french man"* taunted satan

"HOW DARE YOU!" god retorted "I AM NOT ENGLISH, AND AREN'T YOU IRISH!"

"ya" replied satan "but, do you want to be me god, do you? I know you hate the irish"

"ya I do" said god "fine I don't want to be like you, what is your wager?"

"bet you can't make a cobra and a bunny at the same time"said satan with a grin

"PLEASE!" shouted god "I CAN DO THAT IN MY SLEEP, GABREIL FETCH THE WORK BENCH!"

"yes sir" replied gabriel as he fetched the work station

"ah good now to get work" god said as he grabbed 2 flooshenoozes and got to work on a bunny and a python at the same time.

He worked hard but satan had a trick up his sleeve literally, he pulled out a feather and levitated it to god's nose and moved it

"oh no" said god "A-AAA-ACHOOOOOOO" , god had sneezed and everything got mixed up

"oh no" said satan as he pressed the send button

"OH ME NO!" god yelled "WHO KNOWS WHAT TERRIBLE MONSTER WE'VE INFLICTED UPON HUMANITY!"

The creature flew to earth, it had the body of a rabbit, the brain of a python, and the teeth of a python

it landed somewhere near sydney Australia, or was it Toronto canada? anyways it shot down from the sky heading some place

when it landed it was the year 100,000,548,793,649,937 B.C. In an area with many other bunnies

one bunny came up to the python bunny, or pb, and said: "why hello there, do you want to be friends?"

the bunny seemed only about 2 months olds

pb smiled, opened his mouth to talk and said "FOOOOOOD!" as he went straight for the baby bunnies neck, and ripped it out

"OH MY GOD!" yelled the baby bunnies mother

Then pb turned it's head 360 degrees around like an owl and said in a british accent " where you are there is no god" and killed the mother as well in the same fashion, but this time used the corpse to beat the father of the now throat-less baby bunny.

Ok hold on, I need a break this is disgusting! I mean, THIS IS AWFUL. This makes every horror movie look like barny the dinosaur. WHAT SICK MIND WOULD WRITE THIS! Ok, ok I think I can go on.

Pb then picked up all three of the throat-less bunnies and..

OH MY GOD! NO, OH GOD! THIS IS HORABLE! I WILL NO LONGER READ THIS!

I need a break MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!

*the main reason this was banned is because it revealed that god was french


End file.
